Three months later...

I honestly forgot about starting this blog. I have great intentions on better myself but it never pans out the way I want it to. So lets see three months later. I completely weened myself off Effexor. The withdrawals were so horrid. It took a good two months to get back to feeling somewhat normal. I started using cannibas to help with my moods and make me a little more energetic. It was working pretty well. I wanted to get out and go to social gatherings. Then AH started acting out slowly, and for some reason I became obsessed with controlling the household. I started feeling better and hated the stigma of being a "stoner" so I slowly stopped taking the cannibas. Really not thinking about it and then my moods became worse and worse. We started family counseling and the whole session I had to hold back my tears from anxiety. I just hated the way I felt for days and I knew I needed to up my dose. I've completely given up on trying to find a job. I'm just trying to better myself right now.
I started a fitness program called #fitgirlsguide and I'm in my fourth week. I'm so amazed that I actually am sticking to something. I've learned that there are ups and downs and that pretty much what life is. So I can't get disappointing with myself and quit. Also you lose weight very very slowly. As one of my #fitsisters has said, "We're like little turtles". I've lost almost 8lbs. I don't notice that much of a difference, but I can see my tummy is flatter and my butt is perkier. I hoping to finish this week and start another challenge July 6th.
I was going back to community college to take a course but chickened out and dropped it. I'm not doing so well on the socializing aspect right now. Especially going out in general. I don't want to go out by myself and really don't want to speak for myself. Hoping I feel better soon.

A year later...

I dropped this project.. like I tend to drop everything else.

It has been another year now. Things have not been much better, however, my effort is a little stronger?

     In the summer of 2014 my anxiety, specifically social anxiety became so bad I refused to get out of bed or leave the house. After much convincing and many arguments my partner and I decided it was time to see a doctor. The only issue was I had medi-cal. Since I turned 26 and was no longer a functioning person in society my only option to see a doctor was a free clinic or one chosen for me by the government. I luckily found my way to a student doctor who is very helpful and caring. Like most doctors she immediately put my on Zoloft and said to see her in a month.
      The Zoloft didn't work and made me gain over 30lbs. I was told to stick with it and see what happens. After three months and gradually increasing the amount of Zoloft I was maxed out and still felt like shit. I was then switched to Effexor. Let me just say, whomever invented these drugs did not ever take them themselves. Effexor is the worst drug ever invented. I feel (currently still on it) like shit on and off it. God forbid you forget a dose, but don't worry your brain will remind you. It has these pleasant sonic wave like needles it sends stabbing into your skull. Along with a fog so dense you can barley see 10 feet in front of yourself.
     When I complained I was told to stick with it and that I needed to pair my medication with a therapist for better results. HA!!! Being a complying member if society I did what I was told. However, when you have zero money it makes finding a qualified therapist very difficult. the free clinics were booked with patients, and other places had a sliding scale which still charged at least $50 an hour. I somehow stumbled upon a page looking for someone who would take me. Anyone. I didn't expect to get a response, and actually forgot about it. Until two weeks later I received an email from Kristi stating that she would love to help me and only would charge $10 a session.
     I never wanted to see a therapist because I don't like digging up all the emotions and feelings that I have went through. The first couple weeks were rough. Things are getting a little better. I'm not as productive as I should be. I'm supposed to be following a routine and have not been doing too well. After much convincing I decided to get my medical recommendation of medical cannabis. I don't necessarily like the high part. I feel funny, and hate being extra slow and distracted. There are different strains though and I've been looking into CBD strains that are more for pain and depression than THC.   

The Winter Blues?

     Winter in Southern California is usually different than that of the rest of the country. So to be depressed in winter I would consider perfectly normal. However, when it has only rained once since December and is usually 70+ degrees everyday... One doesn't really have the excuse for the seasonal blues. I haven't been doing well, as I mentioned in my last personal post. I officially quit Costco in December. Motivated and hopeful that I would find a job right away.
     Well.. It's now Febuary. I have had a couple calls for interviews and I just haven't been in the right mind to go. I've gained a lot of weight in the last year or so and while this is a contributing factor I don't think it's the main reason. I just haven't been motivated. Haven't been drawing, or singing or making as much as I'm used to. I had high hopes for this blog. To be an amazing all in one go to the blog, but like my brain, it's just a pile of jumbled mush. It kills me to get out of bed every morning so I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to write.
     I'm trying though. My boyfriend is supportive and loving and even though I know I'm being ridiculous and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. He doesn't say anything but supportive and loving things. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm trying to read this book on depression. I was sure it wouldn't do much, but it's nice to see that I'm not alone. I can relate to others in the book and its slightly helpful. I'm trying to eat a little better and more often. I'm not used to living with someone who cooks, especially someone who cooks well. We're going to try to start walking. I want to do it in the mornings, but we'll see. I've never been too fond of exercise. That's why it's nice to have a job that makes you move.
      So this is where I am at in my life. It's surprising that I've come this long without a breakdown. With all that I've been through it has been a long awaited moment. I think that's just it too. I've always been so busy and keeping myself focused that I hadn't the time to focus on all the tragic events in my life. Now that I'm resting.. Its all coming at me.

My New Little Place...

       So here I am. January 2014. I'm in my new weathered apartment. Her blue paint is very calming, yet there are chips and creaks, and squeaks. She cries as she expands with the heat and contracts with the cold. It's been 98 degrees for the last few days.. okay only 80, but I like to make bad boy band references. My neighbors are nice but OCD. The back gate needs to stay closed because the “hobos are always walking down the alley”. Even though our complex is completely open and I've seen a homeless lady use our unlocked laundry room for herself. However, she decided to change her clothes on my stairs.. but thats another story for some other time.

      Then there is our neighbor Kelli. Who lives in a studio/walk in closet and thinks there are mice in her walls. She complains weekly to the management. They send people out every week, yet, they have not found anything. There is a sign in her car window that reads “ Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink”. I believe that Kelli needs to lay off the drinking.

       Anyways, back to me. I have unpacked maybe five boxes. Even though I am home everyday. I sleep at least ten hours a night, and watch tv/read all day. It's nice and I hate it at the same time. Honestly, I haven't been doing too well. I've tried to change my mood, activity. I'm reading more and trying to walk as well, but I'm pretty much the same. Not having something to focus on other than life is killing me. I can't really coupon because we're budgeting money. I don't really have many close friends. Just acquaintances that make random chit chat at parties. Is this what it's like to be an adult?

     I'm losing my inspiration, my creativity. I need something that spark again and my not sure what or how to do this. I admit I probably should be talking to someone rather than writing, but I write emotion better than I speak them. I'm just going to try to mutter through. Keep my chin up and not look at my banking account. It's sad that money really is the root of all my problems.

See ya later 2013!

     Is it horrible to say I am so glad that 2013 is over? It was a good year.. well.. it could of been worse. I've had much worse. The holidays were hell. Family drama, and a bunch of awkward situations. I'm grateful and ashamed of my family all at the same time. I wish we could just get along for one day, however, it never seems to work out. No matter how much wine and pie we have someone always has to say something; to piss someone off. Keep in mind I only have my sister and mom left. It's not like there are twenty family members to keep happy. No. Just three stubborn, jaded, Italian women. 

     It honestly did not feel like the holidays. Thanksgiving was spent with friends. It was nice and filling. Christmas was too sunny and warm. We were too poor to afford presents and did what we could. Decorations from the dollar store were hung the day of Christmas. An odd looking Santa made of shiny sting hung from the front door. Reminding me that there would be no hope for our sad Christmas every time I left the house.
      And now its 2014! A new year! A new year to a new you! No. Just no. My Dad always said the only thing good about getting older is that the year seems to go by faster. It's true, and I'm not too sure how I feel about this. When I look back it's as if someone has the finger stuck on the fast forward button. We passed the chapter where we were. I keep scream for them to stop and rewind to where we were and nothing. Everything just keeps moving faster and faster until the wavy lines appear.

Saving Money or Trying at least...

When I was a kid I saved every dollar I would get from the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. I saved almost $20,000 dollars by the time I was 21 years old. I lived with a roommate and split the rent but still I didn't go anywhere or do anything. I barley ate or bought food because my roommate would demolish everything. So I saved whatever I made.

Two months before my 22nd birthday I found out I had a sarcoma in my right breast. After seeing a sarcoma specialists and having a lumpectomy I owed over $40,000 in bills. My mother graciously helped me but I was left with most of the hospital/surgeon bills. Keep in mind this was after PPO insurance. I had the money so I paid the bills all at once and didn't question anything.

Looking back I regret doing this, not only am I left without any saving today, I honesty have lost my passion to save. Frankly because I was so used to having the money. If I wanted something I bought it. No coupons needed. Nowadays its a struggle to pay rent and eat. I've reached out to our government system and have either been denied, or bypassed. I don't have kids therefore I don't matter. It sucks but it is kinda how I feel.

So while I do coupon, and try to stay with a budget, I can't figure out how to save money! I'll put it away and by next week I be through half of it. I looked at the envelope system, mobile apps, and even mint.com, and nothing. I usually just get fed up with how little money we have and say "fuck it- I'm hungry".

I finally paid off one credit card with student loans, but still owe my school $700 and have a credit card that is almost another $700. So now, not only am I not able to save, I have outstanding debt that is  dragging my credit score lower, and lower.

I guess this post is more of a cry for help than advice.. so I'm sorry. No one is perfect, but perhaps someone has a better method and could help me out.

Thank you readers!

Not so yummy bbq chicken

I had an awesome recipe in mind and was going to show how awesome and easy it was to make BBQ chicken. I don't know what went wrong but it turned out horrible. So.. Maybe I'll do another recipe soon.. Bummer.