The Winter Blues?

     Winter in Southern California is usually different than that of the rest of the country. So to be depressed in winter I would consider perfectly normal. However, when it has only rained once since December and is usually 70+ degrees everyday... One doesn't really have the excuse for the seasonal blues. I haven't been doing well, as I mentioned in my last personal post. I officially quit Costco in December. Motivated and hopeful that I would find a job right away.
     Well.. It's now Febuary. I have had a couple calls for interviews and I just haven't been in the right mind to go. I've gained a lot of weight in the last year or so and while this is a contributing factor I don't think it's the main reason. I just haven't been motivated. Haven't been drawing, or singing or making as much as I'm used to. I had high hopes for this blog. To be an amazing all in one go to the blog, but like my brain, it's just a pile of jumbled mush. It kills me to get out of bed every morning so I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to write.
     I'm trying though. My boyfriend is supportive and loving and even though I know I'm being ridiculous and he thinks I'm being ridiculous. He doesn't say anything but supportive and loving things. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm trying to read this book on depression. I was sure it wouldn't do much, but it's nice to see that I'm not alone. I can relate to others in the book and its slightly helpful. I'm trying to eat a little better and more often. I'm not used to living with someone who cooks, especially someone who cooks well. We're going to try to start walking. I want to do it in the mornings, but we'll see. I've never been too fond of exercise. That's why it's nice to have a job that makes you move.
      So this is where I am at in my life. It's surprising that I've come this long without a breakdown. With all that I've been through it has been a long awaited moment. I think that's just it too. I've always been so busy and keeping myself focused that I hadn't the time to focus on all the tragic events in my life. Now that I'm resting.. Its all coming at me.

My New Little Place...

       So here I am. January 2014. I'm in my new weathered apartment. Her blue paint is very calming, yet there are chips and creaks, and squeaks. She cries as she expands with the heat and contracts with the cold. It's been 98 degrees for the last few days.. okay only 80, but I like to make bad boy band references. My neighbors are nice but OCD. The back gate needs to stay closed because the “hobos are always walking down the alley”. Even though our complex is completely open and I've seen a homeless lady use our unlocked laundry room for herself. However, she decided to change her clothes on my stairs.. but thats another story for some other time.

      Then there is our neighbor Kelli. Who lives in a studio/walk in closet and thinks there are mice in her walls. She complains weekly to the management. They send people out every week, yet, they have not found anything. There is a sign in her car window that reads “ Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink”. I believe that Kelli needs to lay off the drinking.

       Anyways, back to me. I have unpacked maybe five boxes. Even though I am home everyday. I sleep at least ten hours a night, and watch tv/read all day. It's nice and I hate it at the same time. Honestly, I haven't been doing too well. I've tried to change my mood, activity. I'm reading more and trying to walk as well, but I'm pretty much the same. Not having something to focus on other than life is killing me. I can't really coupon because we're budgeting money. I don't really have many close friends. Just acquaintances that make random chit chat at parties. Is this what it's like to be an adult?

     I'm losing my inspiration, my creativity. I need something that spark again and my not sure what or how to do this. I admit I probably should be talking to someone rather than writing, but I write emotion better than I speak them. I'm just going to try to mutter through. Keep my chin up and not look at my banking account. It's sad that money really is the root of all my problems.

See ya later 2013!

     Is it horrible to say I am so glad that 2013 is over? It was a good year.. well.. it could of been worse. I've had much worse. The holidays were hell. Family drama, and a bunch of awkward situations. I'm grateful and ashamed of my family all at the same time. I wish we could just get along for one day, however, it never seems to work out. No matter how much wine and pie we have someone always has to say something; to piss someone off. Keep in mind I only have my sister and mom left. It's not like there are twenty family members to keep happy. No. Just three stubborn, jaded, Italian women. 

     It honestly did not feel like the holidays. Thanksgiving was spent with friends. It was nice and filling. Christmas was too sunny and warm. We were too poor to afford presents and did what we could. Decorations from the dollar store were hung the day of Christmas. An odd looking Santa made of shiny sting hung from the front door. Reminding me that there would be no hope for our sad Christmas every time I left the house.
      And now its 2014! A new year! A new year to a new you! No. Just no. My Dad always said the only thing good about getting older is that the year seems to go by faster. It's true, and I'm not too sure how I feel about this. When I look back it's as if someone has the finger stuck on the fast forward button. We passed the chapter where we were. I keep scream for them to stop and rewind to where we were and nothing. Everything just keeps moving faster and faster until the wavy lines appear.